* The Speech That Sarah Palin Must Give

I’m sorry. Please accept my apology.

I apologize for not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is.

I apologize for the Katie Couric interview.

I apologize for not giving any interviews after that.

I apologize for answering real questions with canned talking points.

I apologize for suggesting that Russia has entered Alaska’s air space on my watch and claiming that living next to Russia gives me foreign policy experience.

I apologize for accusing Barack Obama of “palling around with terrorists.”

I apologize for accusing Barack Obama of being a socialist.

I apologize for suggesting that Barack Obama is not as patriotic as me or as John McCain.

I apologize for suggesting that Barack Obama is un-American.

I apologize for equating the words Muslim, Arab, and terrorist. And I especially apologize to Muslim-Americans and Arab-Americans.

I apologize for not repudiating supporters who yelled “kill him” and “bomb Obama” at my rallies. I do not support racial or ethnic intolerance.

I apologize for abusing my power as Governor of Alaska in the firing of the state’s public safety commissioner.

I apologize for accepting $150,000 in clothing from the Republican National Committee. I will return all of it.

I apologize for criticizing scientific fruit fly research that may benefit those with autism.

I apologize for calling myself a feminist but not supporting Roe vs. Wade.

I apologize for not being able to name another Supreme Court case other than Roe vs. Wade.

I apologize for hanging up on Canadian comedian Marc Antoine Audette after getting pranked.

I apologize for voting for Republican Alaska Senator Ted Stevens, despite his being found guilty of seven felonies.

I congratulate Barack Obama for becoming the 44th President of the United States of America. While we may disagree on the issues, we can and must disagree civilly. I recognize that united we stand. And divided we fall. And I echo what John McCain said in his concession speech last night: “I hold in my heart nothing but love for this country and for all its citizens, whether they supported me or Senator Obama. I wish Godspeed to the man who was my former opponent and will be my president.”

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