* 317 Length-Sorted Disclaimers

Legal and product disclaimers, notices, warnings, instructions, etc. This list was derived from many sources. I have updated the list with a few of my own (including some from my copyright page), added some updated references, and added a few jokes.

This list was derived from many sources. The original version has been floating around the Internet and Usenet for at least 15 years. The earliest reference I could find was from a 1987 Usenet post. I have updated the list with a few of my own (including some from my copyright page), added some updated references, and added a few jokes. Enjoy the list!

  1. Low fat.
  2. Fat free.
  3. Add toner.
  4. No diving.
  5. No signal.
  6. Wet paint.
  7. No kidding.
  8. No pennies.
  9. No smoking.
  10. Just say no.
  11. Men at work.
  12. Dolphin-safe.
  13. Do not stamp.
  14. Falling rock.
  15. Frost heaves.
  16. This side up.
  17. As seen on TV.
  18. Beware of dog.
  19. Biodegradable.
  20. Caveat emptor.
  21. No money down.
  22. No solicitors.
  23. Twist to open.
  24. All white meat.
  25. Choking hazard.
  26. Do not disturb.
  27. File not found.
  28. Hand wash only.
  29. No trespassing.
  30. Patent pending.
  31. Please recycle.
  32. Sorry, no CODs.
  33. Colors may fade.
  34. Have toll ready.
  35. No pets allowed.
  36. Thickly settled.
  37. Do not microwave.
  38. Handle with care.
  39. No substitutions.
  40. Place stamp here.
  41. Private property.
  42. Return to sender.
  43. Tax not included.
  44. We get yo’ money!
  45. Because I said so.
  46. Exact change only.
  47. Ladies drink free.
  48. No Canadian coins.
  49. One size fits all.
  50. Simulated picture.
  51. Slippery when wet.
  52. Times approximate.
  53. Abort, retry, fail.
  54. For adult use only.
  55. Keep off the grass.
  56. Limited time offer.
  57. May contain cheese.
  58. No assembly needed.
  59. Printed in the USA.
  60. Product may settle.
  61. Reduce speed ahead.
  62. Selection may vary.
  63. All rights reserved.
  64. All sales are final.
  65. Do not tap on glass.
  66. Drop in any mailbox.
  67. For office use only.
  68. Must be 18 to enter.
  69. Slow children ahead.
  70. While supplies last.
  71. Click OK to continue.
  72. No lifeguard on duty.
  73. Proceed with caution.
  74. Small parts included.
  75. Some rights reserved.
  76. Toll rates may apply.
  77. Use only as directed.
  78. Approved for veterans.
  79. Based on a true story.
  80. Do not expose to rain.
  81. Edited for television.
  82. For external use only.
  83. For official use only.
  84. For off-road use only.
  85. Lather, rinse, repeat.
  86. No purchase necessary.
  87. Read at your own risk.
  88. This bag is not a toy.
  89. Void where prohibited.
  90. Wheelchair accessible.
  91. Your mileage may vary.
  92. A registered trademark.
  93. Batteries not included.
  94. Do not drink the water.
  95. Don’t quote me on that.
  96. No preservatives added.
  97. Some assembly required.
  98. Tumble dry on low heat.
  99. Avoid contact with skin.
  100. Do not feed the animals.
  101. Exact change saves time.
  102. For a limited time only.
  103. No stopping or standing.
  104. Penalty for private use.
  105. Powered by Movable Type.
  106. Store in cool, dry area.
  107. Subject to FCC approval.
  108. Authorized vehicles only.
  109. Enlarged to show texture.
  110. No substitutions allowed.
  111. Prices subject to change.
  112. For recreational use only.
  113. Many suitcases look alike.
  114. Refrigerate after opening.
  115. To close, insert tab here.
  116. Use ink and print clearly.
  117. You are a valued customer.
  118. All connections are logged.
  119. Do not write in this space.
  120. Don’t quote me on anything.
  121. Driver does not carry cash.
  122. List each check separately.
  123. Subject to credit approval.
  124. Unauthorized vehicles only.
  125. You must be present to win.
  126. Actual weight loss may vary.
  127. Apply only to affected area.
  128. Close cover before striking.
  129. Do not taunt happy fun ball.
  130. Individual results may vary.
  131. Keep cool; process promptly.
  132. Limit one-per-family please.
  133. Look for inner quality seal.
  134. Unauthorized vehicles only.
  135. Do not write below this line.
  136. Keep away from fire or flame.
  137. May not be redeemed for cash.
  138. Not recommended for children.
  139. Other restrictions may apply.
  140. Price does not include taxes.
  141. All employees must wash hands.
  142. An equal opportunity employer.
  143. Bridge freezes before highway.
  144. First pull up, then pull down.
  145. Keep out of reach of children.
  146. Lost ticket pays maximum rate.
  147. Not intended for internal use.
  148. Sanitized for your protection.
  149. User assumes full liabilities.
  150. Action figures sold separately.
  151. All your base are belong to us.
  152. No shoes, no shirt, no service.
  153. Not valid with any other offer.
  154. Prerecorded for this time zone.
  155. Preserve nature, wear a helmet.
  156. You need not be present to win.
  157. At participating locations only.
  158. Do not drink or ingest contents.
  159. Do not use directory assistance.
  160. Not labeled for individual sale.
  161. This item not marked for resale.
  162. Break glass in case of emergency.
  163. Do not expose to direct sunlight.
  164. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate.
  165. Do not puncture or cut container.
  166. In case of emergency break glass.
  167. Must be this tall to get on ride.
  168. No user-serviceable parts inside.
  169. Reproduction strictly prohibited.
  170. Slightly enlarged to show detail.
  171. Some equipment shown is optional.
  172. Subject to change without notice.
  173. Use only with proper ventilation.
  174. Best when purchased by date shown.
  175. Consult your physician before use.
  176. In closed-caption where available.
  177. List at least two alternate dates.
  178. Postage will be paid by addressee.
  179. Sign here without admitting guilt.
  180. Your concerns are important to us.
  181. Call now to insure prompt delivery.
  182. Package sold by weight, not volume.
  183. Restaurant package, not for resale.
  184. See label for further instructions.
  185. Shading within a garment may occur.
  186. This page intentionally left blank.
  187. Use only in a well-ventilated area.
  188. You must be present to claim prize.
  189. Avoid contact with mucous membranes.
  190. Contents may settle during shipment.
  191. May be too intense for some viewers.
  192. Slightly higher west of the Rockies.
  193. Your canceled check is your receipt.
  194. Allow four to six weeks for delivery.
  195. Call toll free number before digging.
  196. List was current at time of printing.
  197. Valid within the continental US only.
  198. Actual cash value is 1/100th of $0.01.
  199. See store manager for further details.
  200. Be sure each item is properly endorsed.
  201. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat.
  202. Increase cook times for high altitudes.
  203. No other warranty expressed or implied.
  204. No passes accepted for this engagement.
  205. Offer subject to change without notice.
  206. See packaging for terms and conditions.
  207. UNIX is a registered trademark of AT&T.
  208. Use other side for additional listings.
  209. Do not bend, fold, spindle, or mutilate.
  210. Freshest if eaten before date on carton.
  211. No anchovies unless otherwise specified.
  212. No artificial hormones or preservatives.
  213. Possible penalties for early withdrawal.
  214. This is not an offer to sell securities.
  215. Cigarette smoke contains carbon monoxide.
  216. Product specifications subject to change.
  217. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.
  218. No lawyers were used to test this product.
  219. Photo ID will be necessary for admittance.
  220. Please complete all requested information.
  221. Safety goggles may be required during use.
  222. We appreciate your questions and comments.
  223. All terms subject to change without notice.
  224. No shoes, no shirt, no service, no kidding.
  225. The SOFTWARE PRODUCT is licensed, not sold.
  226. For prompt delivery place orders in advance.
  227. Not liable for damages due to use or misuse.
  228. Not responsible for any lost or stolen data.
  229. Quantities are limited, while supplies last.
  230. This product has not been tested on animals.
  231. Do not write, stamp, or sign below this line.
  232. Post office will not deliver without postage.
  233. Price does not include shipping and handling.
  234. Employees and their families are not eligible.
  235. If condition persists, consult your physician.
  236. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.
  237. Smoking these may be hazardous to your health.
  238. The number you have reached is not in service.
  239. Do not place near flammable or magnetic source.
  240. No salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor added.
  241. No user-serviceable parts are contained within.
  242. This film has been modified to fit your screen.
  243. Before starting be sure everyone is in the clear.
  244. Copyright 1995-2003 Clock Tower Law Group.
  245. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear.
  246. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
  247. Do not use elevators in the event of an emergency.
  248. Images shown are slightly enlarged to show detail.
  249. Keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children.
  250. Not authorized for sale or rental outside the USA.
  251. Do not list relatives, present or former employers.
  252. Employees must wash hands before returning to work.
  253. Keep away from open flames and avoid inhaling fumes.
  254. No animals were harmed in the filming of this movie.
  255. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States.
  256. Please place your chair in a fully upright position.
  257. This product is meant for educational purposes only.
  258. Consideration for employment is based solely on merit.
  259. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery.
  260. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton.
  261. If symptoms persist, seek medical attention immediately.
  262. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub.
  263. Sometimes the best marketing is a bar of soap in a sock.
  264. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place.
  265. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients.
  266. Your call may be monitored for quality-assurance purposes.
  267. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop.
  268. Additional funding is provided by public television viewers.
  269. Breaking seal constitutes your acceptance of this agreement.
  270. Current FCC regulations limit speed of 56K modems to 53Kbps.
  271. If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and dial again.
  272. No animals were harmed in the production of these documents.
  273. Do not take this medication if you have an enlarged prostate.
  274. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.
  275. Use of this website constitutes your agreement to these terms.
  276. When writing us, please include code number stamped on package.
  277. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show.
  278. Flash photography and recording devices are strictly prohibited.
  279. Please remain seated until the ride has come to a complete stop.
  280. Application is not considered an official contact for employment.
  281. Objects in mirror may appear to be closer than they actually are.
  282. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward.
  283. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees Fahrenheit.
  284. If rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use.
  285. Sealed for your protection, do not use if the safety seal is broken.
  286. All offers are void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted.
  287. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle, watercraft, or aircraft.
  288. If a rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use.
  289. This website may be considered an advertisement in some jurisdictions.
  290. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
  291. A parent or legal guardian must accompany children under the age of 17.
  292. Remove your refrigerator’s door before placing your fridge on the curb.
  293. Keep away from sunlight, pets, open flames, moisture, and small children.
  294. Documents are provided “as is” without any warranties expressed or implied.
  295. If ingested, do not induce vomiting, if symptoms persist, consult a doctor.
  296. May explode or leak and cause burn injury if disposed of in fire or disassembled.
  297. The SOFTWARE PRODUCT is licensed with the HARDWARE as a single integrated product.
  298. In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device.
  299. No part of this book may be reproduced without written permission from the publishers.
  300. All above items are served with your choice of freedom fries, baked potato, or coleslaw.
  301. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental.
  302. Smoking by pregnant women may result in fetal injury, premature birth, and low birth weight.
  303. The stories, characters, and incidents mentioned in this publication are entirely fictional.
  304. The information on this website is not legal advice and should not be relied upon as legal advice.
  305. If defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center.
  306. Reprint requests, which are routinely granted, should be sent by USPS mail or by e-mail (to info@clocktowerlaw.com).
  307. Unauthorized reproduction of this recording is prohibited by federal law and subject to criminal prosecution.
  308. This website makes no guarantees concerning the accuracy or completeness of any of the information contained on this site.
  309. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental, or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error, or failure to perform.
  310. Any reproduction, retransmission, or rebroadcast without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball is strictly prohibited.
  311. This product may not set up on your computer unless or until you accept the terms of the applicable End-User License Agreement (“EULA”).
  312. Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution, or exhibition of this material.
  313. Use of this website, including sending e-mail to the law firm, does not create an attorney-client privilege between the user and the law firm.
  314. The opinions expressed by the author are not necessarily those of the author or the ABA’s Section of Law Practice Management and its membership.
  316. You may permanently transfer all of Your rights under this EULA only as part of a sale or transfer of the HARDWARE, provided You retain no copies, You transfer all of the SOFTWARE PRODUCT (including all component parts, the media and printed materials, any upgrades, this EULA and, if applicable, the Certificate(s) of Authenticity and Confirmation Number(s)), and the recipient agrees to the terms of this EULA.
  317. So there.

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5 Replies to “* 317 Length-Sorted Disclaimers”

  1. This is hilarious. I love it. I used to be an advertising copywriter. One of the disclaimers I remember was, “no ups, no extras.” Can remember exactly what it meant.
    And how about, “No reasonable offer will be refused.”

  2. See store for details.
    Please hold while I transfer your call.
    Insert card and remove quickly.
    Record your message after the tone.
    Contents may have shifted during flight.
    Apply brake to shift.
    Line starts here.
    Cut along dotted line.

  3. “Do not taunt happy fun ball.” — must be from somewhere on the Pacific Rim. My favorite is the disclaimer on the silica gel packet found in new shoes that says “Do not eat.” Your web site provides endless entertainment and edification! –Nancy

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